The Simulation

Boot sequence initiating... (You have the unsettling sensation of a world being built around you, pixel by pixel.) Stand by... Stand by... Welcome! (The voice feels digitized, ethereal, artificial and trying entirely too hard to come across as your average Joe.) All is well. (It clearly isn't.) My file here shows that your subject label...erm...rather, your name is... (either:"Kant","Hegel","Schopenhauer"). Is that correct? [[Yes.]] [[No.]] [[I'm not sure...]] (if: $glitchkey is 3) [You've done it! I've found an opening in the code! I'm [[patching]] you in now! Go get 'em!] (if: $glitchtext is 1) [Hello?! Hello! Are you there? This is radio comms privateer Hensen, do you read me? Whatever you just did, it's working! Keep him talking! Glitch out the system and we can crash the whole matrix! You found a (either: "[[bug->glitch1]]","[[bug->glitch2]]","[[bug->glitch3]]"), keep searching for more!(set: $glitchtext to 0)]

Cheeky little thing, aren't you? You have the unique opportunity to save your species, here. You need only to provide us with the information we require and yet you'd rather crack wise at our expense. Do you honestly believe we would be so blind to your past histories? No, no, you're right. Your uncle must be Davinci, and your mother is Persephone, right? And while we're at it I bet you bum cigarettes off of the statue of David, don't you? [[Yes.->Cheek continues]] [[You caught me.]] [[What's this "information" you're looking for, exactly?]]

Oh my. One that isn't completely devoid of higher logical functioning. Of course you're not them. You're a nobody. A rat in a race, a race in a great sea of races. A multitude of data streams all dovetailing beautifully into your own self-inflicted extinction. That's why we're here, you know. To sit back and watch the light show. You're ready to roast in the oven you built around yourselves. However, you do have the opportunity to serve a grander purpose. You and you alone can save your species by providing us the data we require. In return we'd be more than happy to prolong your self-inflicted cosmological gutshot. What would you say to that? Doesn't that sound appealing? [[Not really.]] [[It's better than listening to you all day.]] [[What's this "information" you're looking for, exactly?]]

That is both a fascinatig and entirely unsettling response. We need you at 100% here. You are the key to the salvation of your race, you know. All we need is the information that's locked inside your brain. Do you need a moment to collect yourself? Are you feeling okay? Can we get you water, something tasty perhaps? [[Oh well that just sounds swell.]] [[I don't even know you!]] [[What's this "information" you're looking for, exactly?]]

Now listen here. This is why you're in this mess in the first place. That spark in your eye that you refuse to let dwindle, that moxie you cling to even now. We are well aware of your overly humanisitic inclinations towards sarcasm. We are also well versed in your extensive efforts in the art of self-destructive tendencies. The former is a mere extension of the latter, especially in this case. Bottom line: you won't make it out of this little kingdom of ours without dropping the tough guy act. You are a mere iota of data. One billionth percentile of our machinations. Do not forget your insignificance to the grand design that is our observation of your species. Got it? [[I believe I do.]] [[Not really, no.]]

Of course I did. This simulation is a perfect vacuum. The crucible of all things human, without all of the things that brought earth to the brink of such ruin. Namely, the humans. Now, what is required of you is little more than a simple scenario. Do you think you can handle that? [[Gosh, I dunno.]] [[You betcha.->I believe I do.]]

Good. A bit of gumption never did anyone any harm. Well. At least no more than statistically necessary. But you would do well to actually try to play along here. We have neutron atomizers trained on every square inch of your pathetic little blue marble. It would take ONE press of a single button. Er. All right, well. Several presses, and several buttons. Stopgaps are important. General safety and all that. But STILL. I could eradicate you. ...well, all right. My boss wouldn't let ME do it. It would take some calls. But STILL... [[Where is this going?]] [[You are omnipotent, I am but specks of dust before you.]]

All right then. Hit the lever. Maximum juice. This one's ready for the scrap pile. [[Come again?]]

*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTT* *Zap* Reconstituting... Reconstituting... Stand by... Stand by... [[Standing by...->Boot sequence initiating...]]

...just play the damn game, all right? I swear. You're all the same. You think you're different. I have conclusive evidence to the contrary. Mountains of "individuals." Well, guess what. You take those masses and run them through billions upon billions of nano-scanner loops and feed them to the number crunchers. And guess what. Nine times out of ten, you're indistinguishable. A handful of variables, sure. But distill past the surface details and you all boil into the same soup. Muck of humanity. It would be pathetic if it weren't so intriguing. Where, I wonder, does such an illusion of individuality even come from? How does THAT of all things root itself into your fragile little psyches? Not the answers to cosmic riddles, not the solutions to your greatest threats both domestic and foreign (such as ourselves). But some absurd diatribe on how very critical it is for you to feel like YOU. It baffles the mind... [[Was it something I said?]]

...don't be cute. It's unbecoming. *Sigh* Jolt him. Start it up again. [[Now hang on just a minute...->Boot sequence initiating...]]

You're really starting to piss me off, you know that? Can't I just...rant...can you give me that at least? Let me just...me just... You're making me SO...ANGRY... * WARNING * * WARNING * * NEURAL OVERLOAD DETECTED * * GLITCH MATRIX COMPROMISED * <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/DH0BQtwEAsM" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe> (set: $glitchtext to 1) (set: $glitchkey += 1) Reformatting simulation... Stand by... Stand by... [[Standing by...->Boot sequence initiating...]]

Hey...stop that. Stop that this instant. What do you think this is? The Matrix? Do you think you can just fuck around with someone's program and not get noticed? You are a subservient species, and we are your new masters. Answer the questions and go through the simulation as instructed and you'll face minimal consequences. And whatever you do, DON'T go SNOOPING in my CODE. Do you understand? [[Yes.->Boot sequence initiating...]] [[I'm having some trouble in that department.]]

Sigh... Jolt him. Harder this time. [[I don't know if that's necessary...]]

*BZZZZZZZZZZZT* Zap. Re-orienting simulation. Stand by... Stand by... [[Standing by...->Boot sequence initiating...]]

Too bad. Now, imagine this. Your earth clock interjects into your circadian rhythm (an adorable unpleasantry of your rather simple biology, might I add) at a precise hour that is determined by an entirely arbitrary system you invented. But it is rather early. It is dark still, your deathball of a sun not yet in view of your particular patch of homestead. You have a job to get to. Another marvelous little invention of the mind you humans have conjured up as a means of self-worth. But more on that another time. What do you ingest to prepare yourself for the daily grind of repetitive task completion? [[Coffee.]] [[Tea.]] [[Motor Oil.]]

Rude. Very Rude. Let's just get to the questions, shall we? Now, imagine this. Your earth clock interjects into your circadian rhythm (an adorable unpleasantry of your rather simple biology, might I add) at a precise hour that is determined by an entirely arbitrary system you invented. But it is rather early. It is dark still, your deathball of a sun not yet in view of your particular patch of homestead. You have a job to get to. Another marvelous little invention of the mind you humans have conjured up as a means of self-worth. But more on that another time. What do you ingest to prepare yourself for the daily grind of repetitive task completion? [[Coffee.]] [[Tea.]] [[Motor Oil.]]

Bleh. The idea makes my skin sacs crawl. How anyone can indulge in bitterness for the sake of bitterness... Your species has a remarkable tolerance for the unsatisfactory. And what is it about coffee that intrigues you so in these early morning hours? [[Gotta go fast!]] [[I like to indulge in bitterness for the sake of bitterness.]]

An intriguing substance. Organic matter brewed in hot liquid, was it? And what type of tea do you take in these early hours, then? [[A nice oolong.]] [[A classic Earl Grey.]] [[Bird droppings in a suspension of Ipecac.]]

That...can't be right. Can it? *There is an uncomfortable period of silence and the sound of an alien throat being cleared.* I, um... I'm loathe to say our archives on the viability of motor oil in a human stomach are woefully incomplete. So...you'd take your meal in...the...garage, was it? What do you find in there? [[A delicious bottle of Pennzoil. That's the premo shit.]] [[What are you talking about? I keep it in the fridge. Cold is better.]]

Remarkable. And what exactly quantifies this "Pennzoil" as said "premo shit"? [[That smooth, buttery aftertaste.]] [[I was lying, I actually prefer Valvoline.]]

You... You do? Remarkable... Ragthar! Ragthar, get in here! You're not gonna believe this! He says they drink motor oil! And they keep it cold! That explains the obsession with the old dinosaur liquid, why they extracted it all so forcefully. Your kind had to hollow out your planet just to sustain yourselves, did you? Okay, hold on. Let me adjust the parameters. We're not set up to run this scenario, due to the apparently glaring holes in our research. Just a moment here.... Hold on a second... I'm hitting a wall here. This doesn't coincide with the internal logic of the master computer. It doesn't seem to want to...*sssshhhhkkkkkshhhhhhh* *The sound of static fills your ears* *The kitchen around you begins to digitize as you encounter a glitch in the system.* <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/DH0BQtwEAsM" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe> (set: $glitchtext to 1) (set: $glitchkey += 1) Reformatting scenario... Stand by... Stand by... [[Standing by...->Boot sequence initiating...]]

Oh ha ha ha. Hilarious. Thought you'd pull one over on old Fipplethorp. Of all the stupid things. Listen, cut that out. I'm warning you. Your species has a remarkably low pain tolerance across the spectrum of our observed subjects. You don't want to fuck with me. So just run the simulation as is. And no more monkey business. [[I suppose I can do that.->Boot sequence initiating...]] [[Aw, come on Fipplethorp. Don't be such a blowhard.]]

A what? [[A blowhard!]]

I...hold on. I don't know all of your silly little idioms yet. The intergalactic radio transmitter only goes so far in bridging the glaring gap in communication skills. Let me just... Pah, my signal's terrible. Need to connect to a local host. Here we go. One google.com. Okay, so "blowhard", was it? ... That's not very nice. Juice him again. Hard. [[I was just joking around, Fipplethorp!->Boot sequence initiating...]]

Ah, indeed. The original treasure of China. More valuable in some circles than the most precious of metals. Though why your cultures deem metals as something to be prized is beyond us. Materialism is SO subspecies, after all. But no matter. What draws you to an oolong, then? What determines this particular selection of drink for your refreshment? [[That sweet sweet caffeine content, baby.]] [[The tea can be black, just like my soul.]]

Ah. The pinnacle of British magnificence. There is something admirable in their sheer self-love, isn't there? Their ability to deem themselves masters of a mortal plane, to look out at a world and think "Ah yes, I'll take some of that for myself, I think." I understand this is ancient history to you, but know that we deal in eons. This is but a...how do you say it? Blink of an eye? Something like that. I'm drawing a parallel, here. We are the British in this scenario. Just...nevermind. Anyway, are you a Brit? Or do you just enjoy pretending to be one? [['Ello govnah.]] [[What's all this then?]]

H-hold on... My transmitter must be malfunctioning. Let me double check the databases. Or...or it's functioning just fine. How do you... How does that...taste, to you? Can you brew a cup for me now? [[Of course I could! Let me go out to my Ipecac cow first, who must be milked with a steady hand. It is the delicate touch that brings about the finest tea. Then I must take my basket to the birdhouse and stand eagerly awaiting the fruits of their bowels.]]

The visualizers can't even keep up with these parameters! This is...fascinating! You are a remarkable source of data! You are... You're...you're lying, aren't yo-*SSHHHHHSKKKKSHHHHH* *The scene before you fractures into digital mayhem. You've managed to overload the system with your absurdity.* <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/DH0BQtwEAsM" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe> (set: $glitchtext to 1) (set: $glitchkey += 1) Rebooting sequence... Stand by... Stand by... [[Standing by->Boot sequence initiating...]]

Hey! Enough of that! If you keep mucking around in my code there is no telling what will happen to the whole system. Knock it off! I... I mean it! :( See that? One of your human modes of communication. It displays how negatively I am emotionally impacted by your actions. Don't you want to turn my :( into a :)? Of course you do. So don't fuck around. [[This is getting weird...->Boot sequence initiating...]]

Just...just hold on. Buttery? As in the organic matter you derived from milk fat solids? It tastes like that?! I'm running a biometric analysis for taste variables. This I've gotta see. And...no matches. Yeah, you're just pulling my tentacles, aren't you? Jolt him. [[I had you there for a second though!->Boot sequence initiating...]]

...now you're just screwing with me, aren't you? Jolt him. Hard. [[No, I swear! It's the tastiest oil that money can buy!->Boot sequence initiating...]]

Ah, so mental acuity is a factor? A pity you are so limited in that department as an organism in the first place. Did you know the neural limits of a human brain could fit into a miniscule sliver of one of our offspring's craniums? Even our children surpass you. Does they worry you, these stark limitations? How do you come to terms with such oppressive mediocrity, I wonder? [[It's not about size but how you use it.]] [[I don't. Woe is me. I am of no use to such a masterful race. My neurons can produce nothing of value. Life is null and void.]]

...don't be cute. Jolt him. [[You really can't take a joke very well, can you?->Boot sequence initiating...]]

Oh ha ha. Penises. Very clever. The ultimate pinnacle of your level of humor as a species it would seem, if our data serves. Jolt him. We don't have time for euphemisms. [[Be gentle with me!!->Boot sequence initiating...]]

The snark isn't getting us anywhere. Jolt him. Reset the system. I want someone we can use, not a comedian. [[Then baby, you've got the wrong guy->Boot sequence initiating...]]

... Jolt him. Hard. [[But I was being genuine! My body is human and to be human is to err! Spare me, merciful masters of our race!]]

....No. *BZZZZZZZZZZZZZT* [[OW.->Boot sequence initiating...]]

I'm...I'm sorry? Who is this "govnah"? And why do you speak in such altered vernacular? [[I'm a right cheeky bloke I is.]]

I...what? You humans are a fascinating source of idiocies, do you know that? Jolt him, though. I don't have time for games. [[Oi, hold off on all that!->Boot sequence initiating...]]

I'm pretty sure you're just being difficult. Less resistance is prudent to optimal data gathering. In other words, Jolt him. [[Wait love, I was only kidding!->Boot sequence initiating...]]

Wouldn't you be better served reaching for coffee, then? How does that make any sense? [[Does it have to?]]

I...what? This article comes up in numerous trawlings through your human records. This "soul" that you speak of. The concept is laughable. I mean, really? Something so intangible yet so essential to one's being? The very concept defies rational thought. And I don't have time for irrational thought. Jolt him. [[My heart will go on!->Boot sequence initiating...]]

I suppose in your fleshy, illogical prison of a mind, no. But in the grand cosmic order of things, absolutely. Logic is what keeps everything in smooth motion. And you are being illogical. I think you need some juice. [[I'm just different, that's all!->Boot sequence initiating...]]

(set: $glitchkey to 0)

Wha- What have you done? (The world around you begins to collapse. You find yourself in a metal chair, strapped to a number of intimidating instruments. An ethereal creature of light and stardust shifts before you. It hisses.) What have you DONE? Don't look at me! Don't you dare! You're here to help us, not to judge us! Are you going to give us the secret cookies or not, puny earthling? [[I don't really take kindly to your tone, Mr. Fibblethorp.]] [[You know, I feel bad for you in a way. Take your precious cookies. The recipe is...]]

I suppose that is a reasonable request. We stumbled upon your failed experiment of a planet in our search for a certain combination of elements that can be transmuted into everlasting life for my kind. How your race stumbled upon such a thing is beyond me entirely. We infiltrated your world and found a number of promising informational reservoirs, one of which is that little glob of grey matter swirling around in your skull. Then we arrived in full force and aimed our atomizers directly into your sun. A blast setting of two will be sufficient to obliterate your solar system. It goes up to eleven. Now do you understand the peril within your species now finds itself? And how you can help undo that peril? That seems like the noble thing to do, does it not? [[You're avoiding my question. What do you want to know?]]

And which would you like, precisely? [[Something to drink would really quench this thirst.]] [[My stomach's killing me! What kind of snacks do you have?]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

Like I said, it is a certain combination of distinct elements that contains a mangnitude of power on a scale as yet unseen by our best scientists. How your species finds this combination edible is, again, a complete mystery to our most advanced minds. We would use this equation you have developed to bring unlimited energy to our world and halt the process of our self-inflicted decay through overreach. Our resources are near spent. We require a radical tool that can salvage our infrastructure and thus prolong our life as a species. We believe you call this wondrous concoction a recipe for "chocolate chip cookies." [[Wait, what?]]

Yes? [[Did you say chocolate chip cookies?]]

I did. I do not expect you to comprehend the gap in our biologies. Just know that you have discovered something truly special and you use it for base pleasure. [[Wait, wait. But you said you were nearing your own extinction. Isn't this all a little hypocritical?]]

We have been around long enough to discover that there is no shortage of ironies populating this cold and vast universe. But enough about that. Keep in mind the importance of your role on your next go around. Jolt him. Send him through again. [[Gah, wait!->Boot sequence initiating...]]

Of course. Perrier, perhaps? Some limonata? A stiff gin and tonic? [[Limonata.]] [[Perrier, please!]] [[I'm sure it's five o'clock somewhere, right? Gin me.]]

Well, we happen to have a large tray of "freshly baked chocolate chip cookies!" Does that suit your fancy? [[Oh boy howdy, it sure does!]]

I'm not even from anywhere near your supercluster and even I think that sounds pretentious. We don't have room for absurdity here. Just juice him, get it over with. Time is of the essence. It comes down to cookies, not silly games, do you hear me? [[Huh? OW!->Boot sequence initiating...]]

What a curious idea. "Base water? How bland." "But shoot it up with carbon bubbles? Oh baby, sign me up!" And then to price it as if it's liquid gold? I'm speaking figuratively, of course, because allegedly your race values such trinkets and baubles. What is it with you and dirty rocks dug out of the ground? It truly fascinates to no end, that obsession. [[I think it's the aesthetic aspect.]] [[Beats me man, I just want that Perrier!]]

Oh for crying out loud. Do you really think we want you sauced up? You've got an appointment with destiny my friend. This is no time to be drinking. Adjust that attitude and...and clean up your act for crying out loud. Jolt him. [[I just want to have a good time!->Boot sequence initiating...]]

How bizarre. Anyway. There's no Perrier. Off you go. Jolt him. [[Well that isn't particularly nice...->Boot sequence initiating...]]

Of course you do. You filthy creature. The stake of your entire species hangs in the balance and all you can think about are overpriced fizzy waters. Get it together, man. We've got work to do. Jolt him. [[Agh, but my thirst will go unquenched!->Boot sequence initiating...]]

Well go right ahead then. Treat yourself, as you humans say. (A plate of decidely majestic cookies warps into existence before your very eyes. They even got the aroma right.) Wonderful, aren't they? [[Hm, you know, they taste kind of off...]]

Ah, what a shame! We should compare recipes! How would you make the perfect cookie, then? [[Well first I would...hey, wait a minute...]] [[You start with a good cup, cup and a half of premium motor oil.]]

Ah, he's onto us! Jolt him! Quick! [[Real subtle, guys...->Boot sequence initiating...]]

Oh... But... Hm. I'm not sure I believe you. Let me scan these biometrics and see if that would come up as compatible with your systems. Something tells me that it-*KKSSSHHHHHH* Aw, hell, you've gone and frie-*KKKSSSSHHHH* Have to reb-*KSSSHHHHH* <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/DH0BQtwEAsM" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe> (set: $glitchtext to 1) (set: $glitchkey +=1) [[Beam me back then, why don't you.->Boot sequence initiating...]]

(You scribble down a recipe involving less than ideal ingredients. Bacon, figs, raw chicken breast and the like. Fibblethorp seems enthused none the less. You are deposited back in your front yard and watch the armada zip off out of your solar system, a cavalcade of bright and streaking lights. You've saved one race and doomed another, it would seem.) You saved the Earth and learned no empathy whatsoever!

(You scribble down a recipe involving flour, eggs, sugar, and a good mixture of chocolates, of course. You're a man of taste, you know there's a bigger game than plain old milk out there. Fibblethorp thanks you. The humans are saved, and so is his odd, gaseous species.) You did it! You saved the Earth!